June 25, 2018
Satan, that devilish, mythical and fantastical figure from Abrahamic religious traditions issued a statement on Friday banning Trump from entering hell.
“Trump is becoming too much of a competition” wrote the Wicked One in response to recent displays of cruelty from the Commander-in Chief.
Hell is supposed to be a place reserved for misfits, rebels and bohemians. That is what the historical record says. Trump, however, is too square and too unfit for hell according to Mrs. Satanás.
“He is giving evilness a bad name”, reads the statement. “The guy doesn’t even drink”, continued the heavily worded declaration.
“Unlike Trump”, Lucy also emphasized, “We in hell do not discriminate based on race, gender or national origin.”
The infernal statement ended with the following lines:
BANNED FROM HELL FOREVER FOR NOT GIVING A DAMN.